Before the Loss
by Beach50
Summary: Everything has become routine, so when something out of the ordinary happens it leaves an impact. We've saved each other's lives so many times we hardly notice, but this one was different. His heart stopped. The runes weren't working, forcing me to use mundane methods. I could feel our tether tearing as I fought back tears while I did CPR viciously.


Parabatai After Beautiful Memories

 **A/N: I wrote this a long time ago, and I'm finally posting. For those of you who are reading Reckless Flames I will be posting another chapter tomorrow.**

 **For this story it is based just before the books. I was curious about Dark Artifices so I did a bunch of research, which fueled this idea. I am really proud of this, and hope it is somewhat accurate. Please enjoy.**

 **I realized after the few reviews I have gotten that I never said this was a one-shot. Woops.**

 **This is a one shot, and I don't see this being a multi halter story.**

Playing mommy and daddy at age 12 is difficult when you have to raise 4 kids on our own. Roles that we had been playing for years, during the day we were caring for his little brothers and sisters, and at night we are battling demons together. Everything has become routine, so when something out of the ordinary happens it leaves an impact. We've saved each other's lives so many times we hardly notice, but this one was different. His heart stopped. The runes weren't working, forcing me to use mundane methods. I could feel our tether tearing as I fought back tears while I did CPR viciously.

"Wake up!" I yelled, pounding on his chest. I sat up, breathing air into his lungs. "Jules." I squealed, crying heavily. Everything in my heart ached, knowing he might not wake up. I had crossed over into dangerous territory when my feelings for Jules evolved into something more than just platonic love, but I let it continue. I kept pressing my hands into his chest, trying to remember this stupid medical procedure. I breathed air into his lungs again as I began to shake. My bond was ripping me a part from Jules, and it hurt so bad. In any other circumstance I would have loved to have my lips against his, but this was torture. I've been aching for this touch for so long, yet when I finally get it; I'm touching his lip dead lips. "No. No. No. Jules I can't do this without you." I couldn't catch my breath as I did compressions again, beginning to become terrified of life without him. "I can't raise your siblings on my own. I can't run the institute. I can't live without you." I stammered, not knowing what to do anymore. He gasped sitting up, and I caught him up in my arms, sobbing violently in pure joy. "Oh by the angel." I cradled his head against my shoulder, feeling his steady heart beat against my chest.

"What happened?" He sounded hoarse. I could feel our tether growing back again with every beat of his heart, relieving my body from the physical stress of him dying.

"Your heart stopped." I pulled his head away from my shoulder. I crushed my lips against his, realizing how different it was from a few seconds ago. They almost seemed plumper, but I quickly pulled away, kicking myself for kissing him. My heart dropped, discovering what I did. His eyes were wide, starring deeply into mine "Don't ever do that to me again." I hugged him back to me, ignoring that it happened. I could lie, and say I was in shock later. He held his hand to the back of my head, holding me tighter.

"I'm sorry." He breathed.

"Never again." I backed away from him, and I realized I was still shaking.

"I'm so sorry." He held my cheeks. "I'm fine now."

"Let me give you some healing runes." I sniffled, wiping the tears from my cheeks as stumbled for my stele that had gotten thrown aside, when it didn't work. I had already torn his shirt off to put runes on, so it didn't take very long to get half a dozen on his skin. I was about to put another one on, when he grabbed my wrist.

"I don't need another one. I'm alright." His fingers eased over my pulse gently assuring me. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G-I-S-O-K he traced on skin.

"Ok." I took a deep breath. "Your right. Sorry I just- I've never been more scared in my life." I whispered, looking down. We were still on the ground in the middle of an alley. I gathered myself off the road, brushing the dirt and rubble from my pants. He climbed to his feet, leading the way out of the alley. He grabbed a shirt off the stand just outside the alley, and pulled it over his head as we made our way to the institute. I wanted to say something, but I didn't know what to say. I can't necessarily come out and say i love you. I couldn't burden him with that. We entered the institute, and walked down the hall to our rooms. I was about to go into my room, when Julian caught my arm. I looked down at his hand then back up at him.

"You kissed me." He murmured, letting go of me.

"I-" I paused not knowing what he wanted me to say. "I did." I gulped, turning to face him.

"I should just ignore it." He breathed, leaning down slightly to be more at me level. "But that was my first kiss Em." He glanced down and away from me.

"I'm sorry." I shook my head, rubbing my hand over the scar on my arm.

"No one is banging down my door because I have four kids, and now you kissed me." He whispered, avoiding his eyes from me.

"I just was scared, Jules, you almost died, and this is what you decide to obsess on." I muttered quietly. I could tell my words didn't change his thoughts. "It was just a kiss. I had been giving you CPR for 10 minutes. That involved putting my mouth on yours. I wasn't thinking." I shrugged. I held his shoulder, pecking his lips again. "See no big deal." I whispered, having a pang of pain in my heart. He had sucked in his breath. A few seconds later the space between us was filled, and our lips were tangled together violently. My heart was racing violently as my tongue slipped into his mouth, tracing the outline of his mouth. His hands were on my waist, holding me against him. He tasted of blood and cigarettes, which normally I wouldn't have liked, but strangely I enjoyed it. His lips were soft as his mouth slid against mine. From the way he moved I could tell that he hadn't done this before, which made me want to smile, but that would mean I have to stop kissing him. His fingers were skimming my hips from where my tank top rugged up from when I wrapped my arms around his neck. My fingers twined into his hair, trying to keep out mouths together. Our lips broke apart, but lingered right next to each other. He took a step back from me, and I was mortified that it happened.

"I'm-" I broke off, going into my bedroom, but Julian stepped in front of the door before I could shut it.

"Emma, we need to talk about this before this gets out of hand." He shut the door. Kissing Julian was like scratching an itch, and once you scratched it only gets worse.

"It's already out of hand. I need a cold shower." I tossed my weapons belt on my dresser. I grabbed a towel, slamming the bathroom door behind me. I turned on the freezing water, stripping off my clothes, and stepped into the shower. I shivered as it washed over me cooling my body. All I could focus on was the prickling sensation of the ice water pouring over my skin. It was just a kiss I kept repeating in my brain, but it was more then a kiss. It was us crossing into new territory. Illegal. Dangerous. Territory. I wasn't going to be able to stop if we did it again. I don't know what I'm doing when it comes to him because this is something that can't happen. I don't know how to handle this situation. My blonde locks were soaked, hanging around my neck spilling even more cold water around my body.

After I finally calmed myself down, I turned off the water wrapping myself up in a towel. I stepped out into my bedroom expecting Julian to had left, but he was laying on my bed, looking at the ceiling. He turned looking at me, and all that cold washed away. It was replaced with boiling heat over my whole body. I strode across my room to my room to my dresser, pulling out my boy shorts out. Growing up with a boy as your best friend you get use to changing without giving him a peep show. I slipped them on underneath my towel, very aware of him watching me. He normally doesn't stare at me when I get dressed, and it made me feel a little more self conscious. I then grabbed a tee shirt, which was actually one of Julian's that had shrunk in the wash. I yanked it over my head, taking the towel out from underneath. I ruffled the towel in my hair turning around to face him.

"Can we take now?" He sat up, crossing his arms at me.

"About what?" I leaned back against my dresser.

"Em don't be like this." He sighed, scooting to the end of the bed.

"Like what?" I shrugged, avoiding this conversation at all cost.

"Like nothing happened because your too stubborn to do anything about it!" He snapped slightly, holding onto the edge of the bed. I kept my eyes on the floor. "Em, I'm just as stubborn as you are and I'm not leaving until we talk about this." He softened his voice. I pushed off the dresser, sitting next to him, and sighed heavily.

"It was just a kiss." I whispered. "We are hormonal teenagers, and this will pass, and there's no reason to get into this." I rested my elbows on my knees, leaning onto them to stare at the ground. "Ok?" I murmured.

"Emma?" He breathed, rubbing my back.

"Jules just go please." I could feel tears in the back of my eyes, but I refuse to cry.

"Emma I can't just leave you like this." He whispered, knowing there was more then I said.

"What do you want me to say? All it's going to do, if I say it, is hurt us. I've coped for a long time with this, and I can move past it. Just please leave me alone." My voice cracked as a tear streamed down my cheek. I took deep breath, straightening back up, and Jules cupped my wet cheek.

"Your my best friend I can't just leave you." He ran his fingers through my wet hair.

"That's just it I don't want to just be friends, and it's killing me." I scoffed shaking my head. "But I don't have a choice now do I."

"We can talk about me in the third person I'll be impartial." He smiled sweetly, and I sighed, crossing my leg up underneath me, so I was face to face with him.

"Fine you asked for it." I placed my hands in my lap. "So there's this guy I grew up with my whole life. He was best friend in the world. Then my parents died, and he was the only family I had left. The clave wanted to take me away from Los Angeles, so he offered to be come my protabia. At first I didn't accept because I didn't think it would be fair to him, but after they said they wanted me to stay in Idris I accepted. The only reason I agreed was so that I could stay in Los Angeles and get revenge for my parents death. I know that's one of the most selfish things in the world, but that's what I did. I told myself I would never tell him because it would crush him. He was my best friend. I knew what I was getting into. I was agreeing to help raise his little brothers and sisters and help him run the institute, but I was still doing my own thing on the side for years. After playing house with him for 5 years, I realized I'm in love with him, and now I don't know what to do or how to act because it is illegal for me to have these feelings about him. So I screw a bunch of hot guys, and sometimes do some extremely stupid things, so that I can move on. Of course it never last, making me find yet another distraction. So there what's your advice because I certain can't think of anything to do about it." I knew I sounded a lot harsher then I met. As I spoke I saw his face go from caring, to hurt, to shock, to disappointment. He sat there silently, starring at me in horror. "Say something anything." I pursed my lips, regretting every word I just said.

"Em I had no idea." He exhaled as if he had been holding his breath a long time. He stood up, pacing the room.

"That wasn't what I was looking for, but yeah I know you didn't." I mumbled, pulling my wet hair from my shoulder.

"You love me?" He breathed, looking at me. I nodded silently, feeling like it was a relief to finally have told him, but also the way he was looking at me hurt more then keeping it to myself. "Em." He shook his head, rubbing his hands on his face.

"Jules I shouldn't have said anything." I shot up. "Just pretend I didn't say-" my words died as he crushed our lips together. I whimpered softly, circling my arms around his neck. I held him close to me as he lifted me up, making me wrap my legs around his hips. He laid me onto the bed, kissing me hard enough I knew that my lips would be swollen. He trailed his mouth to my jaw and down my neck.

"Jules?" I panted heavily, weaving my fingers into his hair. "Why are you..." I trailed off as he hovered above me face to face.

"I died today. I actually died. My heart stopped, and the person I care most about in this world was there to revive me. I realized she's the only woman I will love in any shape or form that isn't in my family. I realized I loved her. That's why I wanted to know why she kissed me. That's why I had to know why." His thumb traced my cheek.

"You-" he put his finger to my lip, stopping me.

"Yes, I love you too." His heart was slamming against my chest. His mouth tangled with mine again, and I didn't have the energy to break away. It was too hard. My hand buried it's self into his locks, keeping his body firmly against mine. He may have not been every experiences, but our lips moved in sync with each other. Probably from many years of training together. I flipped him onto his back, straddling his waist. I always imaged this feeling strange, but it felt so natural. I soothed my hands over his arms, mingling our fingers together. I broke our lips a apart from each other, panting heavily, as I rested our foreheads together.

"We shouldn't be doing this." I sat up, rubbing my hand over my face. I got to my feet, and began pacing the room. "They're going to separate us Jules." My heart was flying in my chest. I could still taste him on my lips, and I wanted nothing more then to kiss him again. He sat up, ruffling his hand through his hair. "Jules!" I exclaimed, wanting him to say something.

"What do you what me to say?" He shot to his feet, walking along with me.

"Something." I sighed, chewing on my lip.

"Everything will be fine. We just can't tell anyone." He rubbed my arms comfortingly.

"It's not that simple." I shook my head, feeling tears prick in the back of my eyes. "I can't deal with this Jules." I shook my head, rubbing my hand over my scar.

"Come here." He pulled me into his arms, hugging me tightly. "They will never take you away from me." He propped his chin next to my ear, keeping me close to him.

"Your my only family." My voice croaked. "I can't go to Idris. I can't lose you. We can't do this." I sniffled, pulling back from him.

"I know." He nodded, beginning to chew on his nails.

"Stop that." I swatted his hand from his mouth. "We just need some space. These feeling will go away, and we can move on with our lives." I shook my head.

"Yeah." He agreed, heading towards the door. He paused at the door, looking back over at me. "Do you want to move on?" He breathed, looking slightly upset at the idea.

"Julian." I walked up to him, hugging him against me. "If I could, I would be with you right now. I hate the idea of staying just your friend, but I would rather have you as my best friend then not have you at all." I buried my face in his neck. "Give me your arm." I sniffled, drawing out my stele.

"What are you doing?" He furrowed his brow.

"We never should have said anything." I picked up his arm, beginning to draw a rune. "So we are going to forget." A tear slipped over my cheek, as I completed the rune. I quickly drew it on my own arm, before this was any harder for me.

"How-" Jillian glanced around. "How did we get here?" His brow furrowed.

"I don't know." My mind felt fuzzy.

"The last thing I remember is chasing after that demon." Julian racked his hand through his hair, trying to remember.

"Me too." I glanced down at my arm, seeing a rune that I didn't remember drawing. I traced over the memory rune, wondering how it go there.

I guess I'll never know.


End file.
